How to Know If You're in a Pinoy Horror Movie - A Flowchart

There are times when you might feel like you’re in a horror movie, especially that time when you were walking along Balete Drive and you see a lady in white just standing out on the street presumably waiting for a cab. Or that time when you had to wear your undies inside out because you kept passing by the same patch of creepy road. Don’t you sometimes wish there was a surefire way to know if you’re in a Pinoy horror movie?

First, take a good look around you.

Click here to enlarge. (Flowchart by spinjunct, salamat ulit!)

Run fast and run hard. If you’re in the Manilyn Reynes scenario, it’s best if you stick with her. She almost always survives unless you’re up against the LRT monster, at which case you’re dinner. If you’re John Lapuz in your movie, your chances of survival diminish by about 80% – as you may get eaten by a fucking Christmas tree or get thrown around the room by a poltergeist. If you’re Joey Marquez, your chances of survival are just as slim so please stay away from pretty ladies who will lead you to a forest then eat you and from witches who will cast a spell on you and cause boils to grow on your back. If your grandmother is Gloria Romero, please stay away from her house, her rings, and her tarot cards. Better yet, please stay away from all of her possessions. If you come across Lilia Cuntapay, don’t kill her immediately. She may or may not be the red herring in this movie. If Aiko’s there, Lilia is innocent, though if Alma’s there, kill her with fire!

There you go. These Pinoy horror movie staples are the best indicators of whether you’re in a Shake, Rattle & Roll or some other horror movie. Please be advised accordingly and good luck!