Stories in 140 words or less: status messages

I remember that super flash fiction activity we had back in the hell hole, the 50-word story, and I realized that most of the people I know do it on a daily basis - in status messages. Most status messages in Facebook or YM (or Twitter, let's not get into that) give me ulcer, but some of my more enlightened (and grammatically adept) friends have the most amusing things to say in 140 words or less.

When you think about it, status messages are the best avenues for venting out whatever murderous vibes you're feeling, or sharing your elation after recovering your accidentally deleted website (...that sounded vaguely familiar. Moving on). They are also quite efficient in conveying your innermost desires, thinly veiled passive-aggressive threats, hardly subtle wink-wink-nudge-nudge hints to the opposite sex, and displaying your forever ignored busy sign, among other things.

bits and pieces

while looking through updates on the LGBT case, stumbled on a comment on Spot.ph's coverage of the sordid affair (okay, Ang LadLad's war against the Comelec isn't as sordid as say the Hayden Kho - Katrina Halili scandal, though i think what the recent issue lacks in - ahem - oomph and star power, it makes up for with social relevance):


in case you're wondering, i saved the image for two things: one, Ige Ramos' dissertation about how a world without gays would be like; and two, somebody linked to my article.

a long time ago, i wrote asking, "If I write an article and no one reads it, does anybody give a flying fart?" and admittedly, writing is my greatest inferiority complex. reading something like that comment lifts my spirits (i think the effect was far more potent because it was an anonymous commenter). To Aki, whoever you are, thank you for reading [it justifies my existence somewhat, no matter how that sounds].

also, the comment reminded me to fix the annoyingly gigantic block quotes and put up a new favicon to YuppieUniverse. let's hope my brain returns to its relatively normal axis soon.

~~~

i've been dreaming a lot lately, and i'm starting to think that it's because i haven't been writing fiction/making shit up and therefore my subconscious felt compelled to make shit up for itself. the fiction muse is on vacation, i think, and in her place came her batshit crazy non-fiction narrative sister. [i'm not complaining! i am not complaining batshit crazy non-fiction narrative muse, i am not.]

there are a couple of things lined up for finishing, so please don't leave me yet. T_T

One more story: Of tall-tales, pointless anecdotes, and stories within a story

According to my mom, I started making things up before I could write. I would take a pencil and draw stick figures on her recipe notebook (which thankfully survived the abuse and now belongs to me) and tell stories. I started writing things down back in highschool, though the stories (and poems, ugh) were of questionable grammar and of even more dubious plot. I tried to learn from the masters: Edgar Allan Poe, the then not-so-famous J.K. Rowling, the ghost writers for The Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew, and the other denizens of St. Joseph Academy's library.

Years later, I go to college and find the Humanities and Filipinana section of the UST library. I meet more masters (Agatha Christie, Bob Ong, Jessica Zafra, JRR Tolkien, among others), but I think the most interesting master I met there was Scheherazad. In case you don't know this particular Persian queen, she's the heroine of One Thousand and One Nights or for Disney's Aladdin fans, Arabian Nights.

One Thousand and One Nights is actually a collection of stories and folk tales told by the said queen to the vengeful Shahryar. You see, the said king's first wife was unfaithful to him and in an epic fit of bitterness he takes a wife each day, and beheads the wife he took yesterday. Enter Sheherezad, a vizier's daughter who obviously had no plans of losing her head after a day with the king. She goes and tells him a story the first night and ends halfway, at dawn. I'd like to think that the story she told him was enganging enough since the king spared her life the next day to hear the end of the story.

Tricky Sheherazad had other plans though, since after finishing the first story, she begins a second one and much like the first, it was engaging and ended halfway. She used several literary techniques, covered various genres and even used parody and satire. This went on for several nights, one thousand and one nights in fact. As the legend goes, on the last night, she told the king that she had no more tales to tell him. By then, the king had grown wiser and kinder with her stories, and he had also fallen in love with her.

I guess my point with this post is, if I were Sheherazad, would the king scream OFF WITH HER HEAD on the first night? It'll be nice to be like Sheherazad, a thousand and one stories and none of them are boring or unfinished or met with indifference.


PS. If you're interested with the legendary queen, you should watch Hallmark's 3-hour miniseries Arabian Nights with John Leguizamo as the wiseass lamp genie.

half-baked, half-assed, half-dead

i was checking my gdocs yesterday, and was flooded with half-finished work. i fancy myself manic-depressive, but this sort of thing makes me wonder if i'm just attention deficit. To remind myself to finish them, snippets are in order:


Working Title: The Shop 2

The girl stole a glance at her phone. He must be asleep, she thought as she walked along a familiar street. Music blaring out of the shoe store’s giant outdoor speakers interrupted her thoughts and she remembered that it was having weekend sale. She picked up her pace and stared at the ground, afraid that she’d be tempted to take a peek. She’d been saving her money for something special.

When she looked back up, she saw a store with the sign saying, ‘Everything.’ She searched her memory for a bit; she’d been working in the area for quite some time but only noticed the shop in between the shoe store and the mini mart today. The tiny brown brick shop looked out of place in that commercial street, squished in between two noisy neighbors.

Ah, he usually picks me up and we take a different route.

The girl walked up to the display window to try and see what’s inside. She was about to press her hands on the window when she thought better of it. Dust, thick as barnacles, clung to the glass. She decided it must be a curio shop run by a highly eccentric old man. Eccentric and rich, she guessed, as ‘Everything’ was on the main street.

In a couple of years, the entire block might be flattened to make way for a mall or something.

Armed with the thought that ‘Everything’ might not be there for very long, she opened the door.

Door chimes welcomed her entrance into the shop, their light tinkling sound nearly drowned out by the music blaring from the shoe store. As soon as she closed the door, the music stopped.

What’re the walls made of? Lead?

She smiled at her private joke and let her eyes adjust to the light. Yellow fixtures lined the wall, bathing the small cramped shop with a warm glow.  She scratched the thought of an eccentric old man and replaced it with an old spinster woman.

As the girl was revising her mental images and as if on cue, the shopkeeper stepped out from the backroom and took her place behind the counter.

The girl raised an eyebrow. The shopkeeper looked to be in her late 20's, with shoulder length black hair and wearing a simple white T-shirt and blue jeans.


Working Title: His Story, Her Story

"Luce?" He stared in surprise at the girl stooped in front of him. She continued to look around her feet as if she didn't hear him; considering they were standing in a crowded mall, it was quite possible she didn't.

"This is one hell of a day," she muttered.

"Sorry!" he said, almost jumping a foot when he realized he had trampled on what she was trying to find. Her glasses. He picked them up and handed them to her. "I'll pay for it," he quickly offered.

She studied the mangled pair. Well, shit. She had been hoping to go home early, no such luck when she's half blind. Unscheduled detour to optical shop, here we go. "Nah, it'll survive, I think. Thanks anyway." The words hadn't completely left her mouth when she squinted at him. "Kenneth?"

He smiled sheepishly. "I'm sorry about your glasses, Lucy. I don't suppose you've got a spare on you, or do you?"

She shook her head and made a mental note to have a spare - or three - made. "I'll just bring these to a shop around here. No worries," she said. She tried a smile, but she bit her lip. She was dangerously close to laughing maniacally at the universe' latest joke.

Kenneth laughed. The first time in weeks. "Let's go."

She frowned. "Where?" Trap, trap, trap.

"The optical shop," he said simply, still smiling broadly.

Lucy didn't budge. "No, I can't possibly impose. I'm sure you've got somewhere else you have to be and -"

"Nope, I don't have anywhere else I have to be," he said. Then he added, "I stepped on them, I feel personally responsible."

"Fine," she said, resigned. Her better judgement screeched in utter horror.

-------------

"Three years," Kenneth started. "How have you been?"

She chose the safest answer. "Same old. You?"

He sighed. "Unfortunately, the same."

Awkward silence descended upon the coffee table. Kenneth hated sitting outside, but he chose outdoor seats anyway. He watched as Lucy took out a pack of cigarettes.

He smiled a bit. It's something familiar, at least. "You still with that-- what's his name?"

"Ray," she answered. "And no."

"If I remember right, you used to be more talkative," he said as she took a deep drag.

"Sorry, it's just... I'm just... Tired, I guess." She was starting to have a headache; sometimes, one hour was too long without glasses.

"Bad day, huh?"

She laughed. "Remember that time I slid off a bus and broke my shoe heel? It's a day like that."

Of course. Lucy had been getting off the bus when the driver suddenly stepped on the gas; she lost her balance and nearly broke her ankle. Lucy was a real trooper; she only called him when she was already on a cab on her way back home to change her shoes. He grimaced. "That bad? I'm sorry about the glasses again."

She waved her free hand dismissively. "What are you doing in a mall anyway? You used to loathe it."

"Long story."

Lucy grinned. "We've got an hour, according to this stub. Summarize."

"I just kinda wandered here. I'm parked, I don't know, ten, maybe twelve blocks from here."

She raised an eyebrow. "You still work at that sweatshop?"

He laughed again. "Yeah. I'm an over-glorified meat puppet now," he said ruefully.

"Damn, I left three years ago and you're still there. Wow." Lucy chuckled. "Something's been keeping you from leaving."

Not a question. "Same reason as three years ago. They pay well."

"Get real, Ken." She had heard some stuff from their old office mates. The gossip was tactful, but far from flattering.

"I'm serious."

She raised an eyebrow. When she looked at him like this, he couldn't find it in himself to continue lying.

"No, she's not keeping me there." Was it his imagination or did Lucy's eyebrow rise up higher (if that was possible)? "None of them are. Actually, the reason you found me here was because I was thinking about resigning."

She laughed. "Oh, Ken. I've been hearing you say that since, well, since we started at that bloody sweatshop. What year is this?"

Kenneth chuckled at her gentle chiding. She was right, of course. "Luce, you're way smarter than I am and I have heaps of respect for your guts. Shit, especially since you resigned from that hellhole."

Lucy laughed even harder. "Did you hear what you just said? You sounded like you left your bucket of testosterone at home."


No Title:


i held her in my arms, kissed her, and you flashed before my eyes. i wondered how your lips would feel on mine, how your body would feel against me, how your warmth would erase this merciless loneliness. how you would hold me and i'd know that nothing else outside your embrace matters, how i could simply lay there and be weak. i violently erased those thoughts of you, and if she ever noticed that i had somebody else in my mind, she never showed a clue.



Working Title: Will You Hold Me?

Will you hold me?

I just need it right now. I don't care if you have to be somewhere else later, just stay with me for a while.
And pretend. Pretend that you'll stay, or that you'll come back.
Play a game with me. A waiting game, a game of waiting for nothing to happen. Waiting for things that will never come.
Let's laugh. At ourselves. And this absurd dance. Of stepping forward and of stepping back. Of moving forward but not getting anywhere.
Blink. Do you see me?
Lie. But don't make me promises. Or I'll hope. Then you'll have to dance for longer than you expected.
And I'll have to keep you for longer than I intended.



This was supposed to be a Yuppie post - i forgot to post it. :|

Two consecutive long weekends has left me with a lot of time on my hands and I am happy to report that most of it was spent in a movie theater. There were a lot of interesting stuff to watch the past couple of weeks, and I'll note that while not all of them were good, they were interesting all the same.


The Ugly Truth

I've always been a rom com fan, and since watching The Proposal a few weeks back and seeing The Ugly Truth's trailer, I knew that I had to see the Katherine Heigl-Gerard Butler combo. I wasn't really expecting When Harry Met Sally or even Sleepless in Seattle, but the lighter fare did manage a few laughs and the pairing was worth watching to say the least.

Basically, it's a boy meets girl, they hate each other's guts, they strike a deal, deal goes too well, they fall in love story. You've seen the formula before and you've probably seen it better executed, but you've got to admit the couple is scorching and you want to see Gerald Butler being modern day crass and not loin cloth crass.



G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra

I had to watch this movie and I was totally prepared to hate it (Come on, it's a movie based on a toy line. What's next Barbie? Wait.). I had to watch it to check if they could say "Yo Joe!" (and the other morning kiddie show catchphrases) with a straight face - and oh horrors, they did. Dennis Quaid looked constipated during the entire movie, but as Rica pointed out, that's how he normally looks.

Here's the trick to enjoying this movie: Remember that the Cobra Commander has always ALWAYS been one to use the dumbest evil plans ever; and so it follows that the G.I. Joe movie isn't supposed to have a logical plot.


Up

When Rica watched this one, the first thing she told me was: "Up is not for kids." To which I replied, "But Pixar doesn't make movies for kids." Anyway, Up proves that Pixar still has the magic - the magic to grab audiences by the shoulders and shake them really hard until they bawl behind the 3D glasses. I for one am happy for those 3D glasses when I watched Up with Mabie; the first half of the film left me feeling totally wretched. Who can't empathize with Carl Fredricksen?

Up is all about adventure: promising adventure, remembering and rediscovering it. Some of the stuff I can't put into words, but the movie was oddly affecting in a way that I wanted to start an adventure myself and was left wondering how it would feel if I were in Mr. Fredricksen's shoes (By the way, I also want to be a Wilderness Explorer).


Final Destination 4

Okay, I'm sure all of you have realized that the Final Destination franchise has run out of original ideas since... well, the original movie. I went to see the movie for pure macabre fun, and halfway through it I realized I should have just rented the original one. Final Destination movies are more like ice cream flavors; would you like to watch an airplane crash, a freeway pile up, a rollercoaster crash or a race track crash today?


District 9

I had no idea what District 9 was all about. I just heard it was based on a short film and that it had aliens in it. Needless to say, all my expectations were blown into smithereens by the mothership and

gusto kong maging kape

in another bout of self-flagellation, i wonder about being coffee. how it would be like to be coffee and not cola, or juice, or tap. the little girl in me, the one screaming bloody murder whenever my cynicism pulls out a knife on her, still wishes that somehow, someday, somebody will come. he doesn't have to come on a white horse, he doesn't need to come in shining armor, he just needs to fucking get here.

i've said it before, and i'll say it again. this is just like waiting for godot - except in waiting for godot [the play, dammit], Estragon and Vladimir at least had each other.

test drive, aka first date with moe

Of mini road trips, beetles, and buses of death

Earlier today, we took a mini-road trip to Cuenca, Batangas to check out the Volkswagen Beetle advertised at the VWCP website. After a couple of mishaps (I woke up late, and there was that walkathon at Sucat highway which was purely my fault), we managed to get to Cuenca via the scenic route - Sta. Rosa exit from SLEX, Tagaytay, Lemery, Lipa then Cuenca.

We met the owner, a guy who's quite literally smitten with the Volkswagen but doesn't have enough space in his garage for a VTEC, a Kombi Bus and a Beetle.

We decided to test drive the car, and since I don't want to wreak the car before it's even paid for and Rem doesn't like driving manuals, that left us at the mercy of Mabie's driving skills.

After the initial "Oooh, let's try the second gear," we were cruising down the winding provincial road of Cuenca to Lipa City. A few kilometers later, it occurs to us that we didn't know where the a. windshield wipers switch (it was raining), and b. the reverse gear (which we needed to go back where we came) were. We decided to just wing it.

Bad idea. First, we didn't see that the incline we were on didn't extend to the sidewalk, and the front wheel fell a good foot. We barely felt it and only realized how deep the drop was until we were off it. The planned 180 turn stopped abruptly at 90, about 2 inches from a pole, no reverse and traffic starting to pile up on both sides. The car smelled of burnt clutch, and passersby thought we had stalled in the middle of the road. Rem and I got off the car and pushed. Yes, pushed. Literally reversing the car with the help of a four helpful Batanguenos. Needless to say, we hightailed out of there as fast as we could.

Nope, the adventure didn't stop there. The cosmos is merciless, as she usually is on first dates. While driving back, still dying from embarrassment, a bus decided to overtake on a curve, following a trajectory that can best be described as "right at us." Rem stiffened in her seat, I stared in horror, while Mabie stomped on the brakes, leaned on the car horn and let out the most profane line of expletives I have ever heard her say.

Reactions afterwards:

Rio: AH, POTANGINA NUN AH.
Rem: Oh my God.
Mabie: My mom doesn't know where the heck I am.

Test drive ends with us overshooting the owner's house and parking at the nearest available space. We were too, oh, I don't know, shocked to try and figure out where the damned reverse was.

Anyway, the car itself has a few dinks and kinks here and there, though it's a steal for 50kiao (I haggled down to 45. I'm sure I'll whine about one thing or another in the coming months). So there. That was how we spent our first date with Moe the Beetle.

dahil baka akala nyo palaging sabaw si mabie

on the transience of human life
Rio: augh
Rio: all this election news is depressing
Mabie: iknowright
Mabie: pero mas nadepress ako sa death nila alexis
Rio: yeah
Rio: robbery amp
Mabie: takte noh
Mabie: sana hindi na lang sila umuwi agad
Rio: san ba sila galing?
Mabie: di ko alam e
Mabie: i see him in events. i think khavn introduced us one time pero quickie hi hello lang
Mabie: i was just thinking of contacting him to ask for help dun sa film mag na project ko. he's only 28
Rio: aw
Rio: and he has that site
Mabie: tapos yung gf nya, leap of faith pare. from slovenia, lumipat ng pinas para sa kanya
Rio: yung critique ng asian films thing
Mabie: mga 2 years pa lang sila
Mabie: criticine.com
Mabie: yeah
Rio: tangna talaga
Mabie: tsk. sayang talaga he's really good pa naman.
Rio: yeah
Rio: you never know how death's going to do you in
Mabie: kaya rin ayaw ni ma kumuha ng maids sa agency e
Mabie: korak
Mabie: hello existential dilemma part nth time for 09
Rio: hahaha
Mabie: grabe. kelangan talaga gawin mo na gusto mong gawin kase di mo alam kung kelan ka mawawala. or yung mga taong importante sayo.
Rio: ano ba yung ibang existential angst sources mo this year?
Mabie: si francis m. si cory. may isa pa e. international naman.
Mabie: ah! yung brod ni tof
Mabie: 25 namatay sa dengue
Mabie: T_T
Rio: :O
Mabie: korak di ba
Rio: chet
Mabie: tagapagmana ng pasay empire nila (kanila yung commercial compound sa tapat ng domestic airport)
Mabie: tapos they didnt know he had dengue till he was vomiting blood na -- too late by dengue standards. di na kaya ng transfusion
Mabie: ayon. recently lang to. mga last month
Rio: aray
Rio: the immortality of youth
Mabie: knock on wood. pag na-deads ako gusto kong closing song ko yung tulog na ng sugarfree ha. yung mso version nila
Mabie: (buti na lang masama akong damo)
Rio: we all feel immortal kasi pag bata pa (well, except people like victor and rica)
Rio: we don't think we can die, it just happens to somebody else
Mabie: i dont. i feel very mortal
Mabie: ive been so praning this year
Mabie: really
Rio: that means the years are setting on you
Mabie: as in, before i go to sleep, i pray like so: thanks kuya jess! bukas uli ha!
Mabie: just to make sure klaro kame na i dont wanna go yet
Mabie: T_T
Rio: i mean, you're realizing that you need to settle down, do what you want and shit
Mabie: not really settle down. just to get going
Rio: ayun nga


early morning Sartre
Rio: if nothing matters and nothing i will ever do means anything, what does another person mean?
Rio: ha?
Mabie: okay, digesting your note.
Rio: hahaha
Rio: tipong if i think the other person brings meaning to my life
Rio: or sarado lang talaga yung utak ko sa mga ganyang bagay
Mabie: that's conflicted.
Mabie: i mean, if you feel that way.
Mabie: therefore, you're conflicted
Mabie: depends rin siguro if sincere ba yung meaning nung other person to you
Rio: hahaha
Rio: oo nga naman
Mabie: here. read sartre. the I is affirmed by the Other
Mabie: Self consciousness needs "the Other"
to prove (display) its own existence. It has a "masochistic desire" to
be limited, i.e. limited by the reflective consciousness of another
subject. This is expressed metaphorically in the famous line of
dialogue from No Exit, "Hell is other people."
Sartre stated that "In order to make myself recognized by the Other,
I must risk my own life. To risk one's life, in fact, is to reveal
oneself as not-bound to the objective form or to any determined
existence--as not-bound to life", meaning the value of the Other's
recognition of me depends on the value of my recognition of the Other
In this sense to the extent that the Other apprehends me as bound to a
body and immersed in life, I am myself only an O
Mabie: *the last line didn't fit:  I am myself only an Other as Ego.
Rio: hmm
Rio: from what i understand, everybody needs a sound board
Rio: or an echo chamber
Mabie: affirmation in otherwords
Mabie: nice no?
Rio: yuh
Mabie: affirmation not in the sense na, like me! like me!
Rio: it's like that "if a tree falls"
Mabie: but more of, just recognition that you're there
Mabie: yes
Rio: ooh, i learned something today


on kids
Rio: i want my kid to have an imagination
Mabie: we should all have imagination!
Rio: yuh
Rio: an imagination is imperative
Mabie: it's intrinsic naman in kids. what we should be worry about is them shedding this inherent trait
Rio: yap
Rio: some people outgrow it kasi
Mabie: korak. like swimming
Mabie: ayun! id throw my kid in the pool.
Mabie: hayaan ko lang sya lumangoy
Rio: hahaha
Rio: yeah
Rio: sakin siguro, i'd just leave the kid with my mom
Rio: she's had a lot of practice
Mabie: ..so why have a kid at all?
Rio: sayang genes
Mabie: pero oo nga. feeling ko aakuin din ng nanay ko yun
Mabie: it's the lola syndrome
Mabie: they're always nicer to the apos than to their kids
Rio: yeah, i noticed that
Rio: galitin mo na si mama bear, wag lang si lola bear
Mabie: korak!
Rio: hahaha
Rio: pero disciplinarian kasi nanay ko
Rio: she has that evil eye
Mabie: hahahah! mine too
Rio: merong "shut up look"
Rio: "stay still look"
Rio: and the "we're in church dammit look"
Mabie: saken hindi e: "sige, subukan mo, tatamaan ka saken"
Mabie: tiklop
Rio: hahha
Mabie: applicable to all na yun
Rio: may mom school kaya somewhere
Rio: hahaha
Mabie:  feeling ko


on God
Rio: does being happy mean that you can't be affected by death?
Mabie: not at all. i think being happy is being at peace where fate will lead you despite knowing the end waiting for you, which is death
Mabie: philo kase kamo, kaya klaro
Mabie: am going back to it by the way. after my MA
Rio: going back to philo?
Mabie: yeah
Mabie: getting my doctorate
Rio: gawd, i remember that stupid debate
Mabie: i need to go back to my roots
Rio: i had a debate with the louie person about god
Rio: hahaha
Mabie: the non-believer louie?
Mabie: haha
Rio: he started with "if god exists, then why do bad things happen to good people"
Rio: dear god
Rio: yay! you'd be doctor mabie then
Mabie: hiyay!
Mabie: haha
Mabie: that's the weirdest logic i've ever heard
Rio: ahaha
Mabie: if everything's good, e di sana asa heaven na lang tayo lahat
Rio: and it's the most used atheist argument ever
Rio: my argument was, then what's the point of creating an earth if you're just going to emulate heaven?
Mabie: to argue on a pragmatic level (as in, mababaw lang). i'd rather believe in god then find out there was none rather than not believe and then find out there is.
Rio: hahaha
Rio: agreed
Mabie: deads tayo dun noh
Rio: hahaha
Rio: yeah
Rio: pero, yeah. i'd rather believe than not
Rio: saka it's the classic human excuse naman eh, it's something to hold on to at least
Mabie: korak
Rio: hahaha

Another Crazy Epic Chatlog

Most days start out innocently enough, and then turn into a laugh-a-minute as soon as you fire up the web messenger. Today was bordering on boring actually (just finished SMT: Devil Survivor) and in between slamming my head on the wall for more comic scripts, I chatted with Mabie and Rica.

Mabie has a math problem.

Mabie: may stat problem ako
Mabie: T_T
Mabie: help
Rio: ano yan?
Mabie: okay.
Mabie: i have to do a report on the stats for qj traffic
Mabie: usually, what we do lang is to copy the numbers sa analytics diba?
Rio: i have no idea mabs
Rio: i never had to do that
Rio: pero i'm the one who handles numbers sa yuppie
Mabie: yes
Rio: anong meron?
Mabie: sorry i was distracted by mike here. the gay agent flirting for a customer
Mabie: T_T
Mabie: ser.yo.so.
Mabie: tambling.
Rio: wahahahhaha
Mabie: okay. focus. hocus pocus.

The Pit

Rio: i imagine us with miner hats in the pit
Rio: me with the shovel and you with the hoe
Ricachu: can't i just hold the lamp?
Ricachu: garr
Rio: LOL
Rio: miner hats na nga eh
Ricachu: rica: bakla!!! dito sa kanan! dyan ka maghukay!
Ricachu: hahaha
Rio: chochi: tangna mo ka, maghukay ka
Ricachu: or, can i just carry the canary?
Rio: canary? what canary?
Ricachu: rica: pero may hawak na akong lamp at canary in a cage!
Ricachu: yung bird
Rio: para san yung canary?
Ricachu: ah, kasi dati, walang pang-gauge or pang-detect ng level ng gas sa mines
Ricachu: so, canary ang gamit
Ricachu: it breathes faster daw than a person
Rio: hahaha
Rio: adik
Ricachu: so if the canary's quiet or it dies, scramble up na ang mga minero
Ricachu: ayun
Rio: hahaha
Ricachu: rica: ano ba, bakla! san ka ba naghuhukay!
Ricachu: rio: lekat. maghukay ka.
Ricachu: rica: but it's so filthy eh, this pit.

Adventures of the Pechay Rangers

Some people think that writing comes easily to writers; let me tell you: NO IT FUCKING DOESN'T. There are times when I fervently pray that inspiration will come if I start bashing my head on my desk. Seriously, sometimes, the muse packs up, leaves me in the middle of something, and takes a goddamned vacation.

Anyway, in an attempt to get out of this blasted vat of molasses, I have endeavored to write something completely.... hmm... completely... For a lack of a better term, I'll use stupid for now. XD

I was joking around with a couple of guildmates and the jokes turned into something interesting, the Pechay Rangers. It might turn out as a webcomic soon (as one of my guildmates is an amazing artist from GlassHouse Graphics), so this might mutate into something serious (not) then.

I'm writing the background story here, because a.) my phone's inbox is full, b.) it's for posterity's sake, and c.) it's for my memory's sake.

Character descriptions and semi-done histories by jujuy and me:

PJ a.k.a. Tutu - Ang Commander in Chief ng Pechay Rangers, siya ang naatasang bumuo ng isang team ng mga pechay ng Pechay Corporation para sugpuin ang salot na si Beerdy Lay Ar. Model sya at trinain bilang crossdresser para makapanggoyo ng mga kalaban at makaharbat ng potential rangers.

Bilog a.k.a. Pechay Red1 - Alilang kanin at utusan ng nanay nya, nangangarap si Bilog na makatakas sa pagiging utusan. Isang araw, nautusan sya ng nanay nya na bumili ng toyo sa palengke. Pabalik na si Bilog galing palengke nang nagkaroon ng kaguluhan. May lalake (na napagkamalang babae) na pinagtatangkaang halayin ng isang mamang lasheng. Nailigtas ni Bilog ang babae mula sa manyak. Pinangakuan sya ni Tutu na di na sya magiging utusan pag naging superhero sya.

James a.k.a. Pechay Green2 - Hippopotamus na ubod ng babaero, chicks dito, chicks doon. Basted nga lang palagi. One day, gumimik sya kasama ang barkada nya at natipuhan si Tutu habang nakadisguise ito. Pumayag syang maging Pechay Green2 dahil sinabi ni Tutu na lapitin ng babae ng mga superhero.

Tektek a.k.a. Pechay Blue3 - Rich kid at tambay sa basketball court. Isang araw, nanood sya ng isang laro sa liga (hindi yung laro ang pinapanood nya kundi yung mga muse) nang biglang lumipad ang bola papunta sa kanya. Umilag sya't tinamaan ang nakaupo sa likod nya na si Tutu. Hinimatay si Tutu at dahil medyo naguilty at nakatingin yung mga muse sa kanya, nagmagandang loob si Tek na dalhin si Tutu sa hospital. Pumayag maging Pechay Blue3 dahil magandang adventure daw yun.

Chie a.k.a. Pechay Yellow4 - Isa pang rich kid na adik sa airsoft. Sumali si Chie sa isang airsoft competition ng mabalitaang 10k ang premyo nito. Ginanap ang nasabing competition sa isang gubat at nagkamaling nabaril ni Chie si Tutu habang nagnanature hike ito. Tinulungan ni Chie si Tutu at pumayag maging Pechay Yellow4 dahil gusto nyang maging superhero.

Roey a.k.a. Pechay Pink5 - Sa isang training session ng mga Pechay Ranger, naaksidente at nalunod sa inidoro ang naunang Penk5. Dahil sa pangyayaring yun, napilitan si Tutu na maghanap ng bagong recruit. Habang nagbibisikleta papunta sa Pechay Headquarters, nahumps si Tutu at nagulat sya ng umaray ang nasabing humps. May isang lasinggero pala na nakatulog sa daan. Dinala ni Tutu ang lasheng sa PHQ nang biglang may lumitaw na kampon ni Beerdy Lay Ar. Dahil di mabubuo ang Pechay robot ng kulang ng isang Pechay, sinuot nalang ni Tutu ang Penk5 costume sa lasheng at tinulak ito sa laban. Nagising nalang si Roey na nakaPenk5 costume (complete with skirt) dahil tinamaan sya ng flying kick sa mukha nyang matigas.

Beerdy Lay Ar - Isang alien na nangangarap sakupin ang mundo sa pamamagitan ng kanyang matinding hangin. Isang malaking ulo na nakadikit sa pader, pero partida, may abs sya.

Pechay Corporation - Isang sikretong korporasyon na nagfufund ng Pechay Rangers dahil ayaw nilang maging farm slaves ni Beerdy Lay Ar.

i quit

This is it, I'm really quitting this time. I'm quitting everything. Nothing will come of this blasted writing. I'm going to pack up, sell my pc, and move to Aparri where there is no DSL or Wi-Fi.

Why all this, you ask? Well, too many things, I think. Let me count the ways:

One. Some of my friends have expressed their intentions to quit and to deal with this sadness of never reading their fiction ever again, I'll quit too. What will I ever get out of this anyway? I'm no Murakami; and you might as well call me Not-Kafka.

Two. When I write, I smoke too many cigarettes and in an effort to lengthen my life span, I shall quit writing (not smoking).

Three. I'm sure you only read my articles and stories because you're my friends. You only say that I should go on with this because you don't want to hurt my feelings. I'm sure you click the links just to see if Rio's still going on with "that writing of hers."

Four. About a gazillion articles and stories are published on the internet every second, I'm sure you'd find somebody else to troll.

Five. And let's face it. I suck at this.

Smile, Laugh. There you go.

There are a couple of things I'd like to whine about, but since I've started to claw my way up the pit of keening and gnashing of teeth (seriously, the emo bug is going around), I'm going to write about happy stuff.

First off, I am happy to report that YuppieUniverse.com has reached 1,679 pageviews (that's for this year, basically February and March). Since that wouldn't be possible without the 372 absolute unique visitors who visited the site this year, even if you only clicked on a "patibong" link or whatever by accident, thank you. To those who actually read the stuff we have there, double thank you. XD

And to those who have graciously contributed and generously let me literally holdap content from them -

Rem: I owe you a hug, a beer and a balloon in any color you want.
Karl: Dude, seriously. I think you're a much better writer than I am.
Mai: Keep them coming, dude! Just don't beat anybody up or you'll run out of bus stops.
Chris: You're old. XD Seriously, I find your article ideas helpful for the hapless corpo newbies out there and so I hope you find the time to write them.
Annabs: Thank you for sharing your story. So far, it's the most popular Yuppie Humor post. XD

And to Rica's friends Vanz: Pics pa!; and Anamercedes: When I read your fiction, I feel very small. As in. The World Ended Last Night stabs me every time I read it.

To everybody: Aylabshu! Please let me holdap more of your great articles/stories/pictures. You have the Triumvirate of Evil's eternal gratitude, and maybe we'll spare your poor souls when the Omen decides to unleash her fiery Apocalypse on all our sorry asses.

Since I am going to get compensated for the last gig I had next week, I think this merits a celebration. I'm su(R)e the (E)mo bug can be cure(D) (B)y drowning it with alcoh(O)l, laughing with friends, and general stress deto(X)ing.


Next on my list of happy stuff it Misery Day. I'll write more about it when Lei and I get to actually celebrate the anniversary of our joint day of misery. We dubbed March 23, 2008 as such and planned to celebrate last week, but due to a series of unfortunate events, we had to reschedule. I am looking forward to Lei's coffee and the barbarians she promised.


Ayee's birthday today means I get to get free booze and shameless karaoke/live band. I am looking forward to later, if I don't expire from sleeplessness.

Toradora ends: thoughts, ramblings, general gushing

Caveat: I tried to write this article with restraint (and coherence), and failed miserably. I'd advise you to run while you still can.

Amidst the tolling of deadline bells, I managed to watch the final episode of Toradora! and felt compelled to write another article about it since honestly, the first one just didn't do it enough justice. Plus, if I don't release all this pent up schoolgirl gush, I'm afraid I might implode.

First things first. I like slice of life anime shows, simply because they are light, don't require me to know the basics of quantum physics, mostly feel-good, and summons the repressed high school girl in me. Yes, that squealing, giggling, lovesick girl exists in me, even when I never did outwardly show her during my teens (or ever) in an attempt to look cool.

In all my years of watching anime (more or less, 17 years), I still can't honestly say that I've seen everything - but I did fervently hope that the power of love would fail in some shows. Shows these days, especially those that cater to the teen bracket, follow a tried and tested formula to pull at the audience' heartstrings. It might be fun for a while, but most of the time, I like to be surprised.

MORE HERE

i share bits of my life like i share a bag of chips

I share bits of my life like I share a bag of chips. (That was taken from a piece by Jessica Zafra in Womenagerie, and I realize I steal stuff from her, but I know how to borrow stuff properly.) As Rica puts it, stealing a line from a movie: Para kang carinderiang bukas sa lahat ng gustong kumain.

I laughed a bit when I saw that line on the chatbox. Anyway, it was because of this post: I hate summer. There are other stuff on there of course (Link barrage time!):

Rica’s Box Office

To Superheroes

My review of Toradora!

Yuppie Humor: Keep your hands to yourself

Yuppie Fangirlism: Kiniro La Corda super mini-update

Yuppie Writing Exercises begin: Extraordinary Object, Mundane Setting

Contrabida Romy Diaz and his ill effects

Mai’s Potpourri

The Overlord’s Pancakes of Pure Evil – Yuppie Breakfast: Basic Homemade Pancakes

If you're curious, here's how this morning’s convo with Rica went:

Rica: i have a question

Rica: or some questions

Rio: shoot

Rica: i know you've probably recounted this incident to many people several times

Rica: pero it's different when it's on paper na

Rio: i know

Rica: proof that it happened

Rica: di na lang sya remembrance

Rio: it took a lot of energy

Rica: yes

Rica: that's why im going to ask what you want to do with this now

Rio: publish

Rica: lol

Rica: ok

Rio: tapos mo na basahin?

Rica: so doble na syang, are you sure?

Rica: parang, are you sure? sure?

Rio: why is it bad?

Rio: :-S

Rica: it isn't

Rica: tinatanong ko lang sayo, ok ba sayong may ibang mga taong babasa

Rio: okay lang

Rica: ng something very very very personal

Rio: kilala mo naman ako eh

Rio: and this is my first, as far as we know, non-fiction narrative

Rio: i share stories like that like i share chippy

Rio: (i want chippy)

Rica: as bad as it sounds (and taking a line from some movie), para kang carinderiang bukas sa lahat ng gustong kumain

Rio: ESPN

Rica: yep, kilala kita (not entirely, lol, not yet)

Rica: hahaha

Rio: LOL

Rica: BUT BUT BUT, like i said, it's different when it's on paper (or posted on a blog)

Rica: iba sya compared to when you're just making kwento about it

Rica: yun lang

Rica: kung sureness kang oks sayo, go, let's post this.

Rio: hindi ko alam, it's just that

Rio: that's just one of the "things that changed my life" stuff i have

Rio: i mean, if that house hadn't burned, i wouldn't have been a writer, i would've been an accountant

Rio: i wouldn't have known how to start from the ground up

Rio: i wouldn't have known how to carry guilt as big as that

Rica: gets

Rio: ayus na ba yung ending?

Rio: maybe i should put in those stuff ^

Rica: pero yun nga, ang question ko lang, will you be ok sharing something as major as this to strangers? most of whom will not even understand the gravity of this incident sa buhay mo

Rica: yun

Rio: nah, it's okay

Rio: it's content

Rio: and i kinda swore that day that i would publish it someday

Rio: and now i am

World Domination Update

Two weeks ago, we re-launched (or launched new categories, pick one) YuppieUniverse.com and we are glad to report that since then, views have rocketed to as many as a fifty unique page views a day. No, dear co-plotters for world domination, it was not me spamming the F5 button. Thanks to the wonders of Google Analytics, we have surmised that some people have actually been reading what’s on the site!

What is on the site?

Since releasing the Prose Fiction and Creative Non-Fiction categories, we now have seven (Seven! Seven, short stories! Ah, ah, ah…) stories up.

The Shop – A joke that started in the hellhole mutated into a fictional shop that sells “Everything”. I still plan on selling balls and backbones though.

Accessory – Give a mundane setting and get an extraordinary object. (More on that later.)

The World Ended Last Night – Submission by Rica’s friend onlysecond. (Actually, we begged her for permission to repost the story on Young Underpaid Professionals and gave her an account in the hopes that she’ll write more amazing Flash Fiction like this story.)

Nakawala sa kural – YuppieUniverse’ first prose/creative non-fiction in Tagalog comes from Rem. It was supposed to be a submission for the Mundane Setting, Extraordinary Object writing exercise but we posted it beforehand so people can see that even the most mundane things can be extraordinary.

Hands – I won’t say anything about this except that it comes from Rica’s crazed mind. (Can you feel the hate? I can feel the hate.)

I Remember – This is Karl’s Flash Fiction. He sent it to me over chat once and I begged him for permission to post it. I have such gullible good friends.

Only Smoke and Ashes – When I first read this story, I decided that the first thing I wanted to do when I get a car is run over somebody with it. (By the way, this story clocks in at 400 something words.)

Creative Non-Fiction-wise, we’ve been pretty busy, too. To make the job hunt sound infinitely more exciting than it really is, we’ve come up with Yuppie Experience: The interview and Yuppie Experience: The exam. Also, since I’ve recently come from a failure of epic proportions, I deemed it necessary to post an article entitled Yuppie Experience: Recovering from Epic Failure.

Oh, and we have three Yuppie Humor posts: Calling tech support, Keep your voice down, and It’s all in the spelling.

We’re accepting submissions for the Mundane Setting, Extraordinary Object writing exercise starting today (You know my email, yes?) and possibly ending two weeks from now. If you have questions, feel free to pester Rica. Remember, submissions are subject to screening – and possibly some constructive critique too.

Plus, the Overlord is going to post some pictures of her newly created Pancakes of Pure Evil, so watch out for that.

(Also, Google Analytics has indicated a visitor from Australia. Julie, I know that’s you, drop a comment once in a while, eh? You too, you lazy bums. Drop a comment, win a friend. Labo.)

(To my friends who have contributed and commented and linked and beta-read: I promise to cook some really evil mac and cheese the next time we meet. I hope you guys aren't on diets.)

YuppieUniverse.com

We’ve done some re-categorizing down at the Yuppie Universe website, check the new categories out:

Prose Fiction (Sometimes, you’ve got to let your inner writer burst out and turn your reality into fiction. Keep in mind though: Submissions to this category are subject to screening. )

• Flash Fiction
• Short Story
• Novelette
• Novella
• Novel
• Epic

Creative Non-Fiction (This category is for those who like venting their corpo angst on Non-Fiction essays and other types of Non-fiction articles.)

• Essay/Non-Fiction Narrative
• Travel

Games, Gaming and Gadgets

• Reviews
• News

TV, Movies and Music

• Reviews
• TV Series
• Movie
• Music

Anime

• Reviews
• Shonen
• Shoujo
• Harem
• Mecha

Manga

• Reviews
• Shonen
• Shoujo
• Harem
• Mecha

Food (Cooking vs. Eating.)

• Yummy Pictures
• Evil Recipes and Cookery

Photography

Humor (Humor makes the world more bearable and work seem enjoyable.)

• Office Fables (You have to admit that sometimes you feel like you’re working with a bunch of animals, hence the title of this subcategory.)
• Phail Pictures (Pictures that illustrate EPIC failure.)
• I am surrounded by idiots

Work and Business

• Blogging
• Business
• Old Underpaid Professional

You’ve got to admit, being a Young Underpaid Professional is not an easy thing. Sometimes you need some stuff to make you forget work stuff, like how your boss is a retarded ass and other shit like that, so we’re going t o provide you with some means of escape.

 

You’re welcome to submit your stuff, the more the better.

Willingly suspending disbelief

While trolling the internet, I found a very interesting idea. In one of her movie reviews, Jessica Zafra said, “… true love is itself a suspension of disbelief.” Enter into the equation Valentine’s season and my apparent ineptitude for relationships and you’ve got an interesting topic – I don’t know where to start.

(The willing suspension of disbelief is basically a theory describing people’s “relationship to art”. You know how when watching a zombie flick, you accept the universe of the movie where an evil super corporation creates a virus that turns the infected into zombies that won’t die unless you shoot them in the head? That’s the willing suspension of disbelief. The theory is, people accept the unbelievable to appreciate the art.)

I’m smart, funny (or at least, I think I am), capable of social interaction, and I obviously don’t have problems with my self esteem. If I was a guy, theoretically, women would want to have children with me. But seeing as I’m a girl, I scare off most guys like the words “commitment” and “fidelity” do. (Most days, I don’t really mind being single, but then Valentine’s Day rolls along and boom! I’m miserable.)

Click for the rest.

i don't like fruitcake

I don't like fruitcake (the gift that's regiven), that's gospel truth. What has inspired this useless confession, you ask. Well, whenever the holidays roll along, I get fruitcake and it's all because of that one polite white lie I stupidly gave a number of years back.

Cousin: Ikaw yung may paborito mo sa fruitcake, di ba? (You're the one who likes fruitcake, right?)
Me, mortified but afraid to embarass said cousin: Opo.

Poor idiot that I am, I have received tons of fruitcake since that day. Plus, I have to EAT fruitcake whenever I'm at Bulacan during the holidays - I keep thinking of places other than my gullet to stuff the cake in (If I'm lucky, I can pass the cake to a younger cousin while tita isn't looking).

I am tired of fruitcake (and lugging it from Bulacan to Las Pinas), and so this year, I swear to tell the truth more (or at least try). Maybe by Christmas, I've built up enough courage to tell my titas that they can keep the boxes of fruitcake they keep shovelling onto my lap.

In light of my new "tell the truth more (or at least try)" policy, I am compelled to reveal a few truths.

• I don't like eating food that's gotten cold. I loathe it so much I get the gag reflex whenever I do. During my spoiled brat days I refused to eat food that had gone cold and those subject to my brattiness were forced to reheat the said food.
• I get instantly turned off when guys ask for my Friendster account the day or a few days after we meet. After a few months, I can't even remember where I know them from and I'm too much of a lazy fart to delete them and thus my Friendster is all cluttered with people I don't know/don't remember.
• My deepest insecurity comes from my writing. I'm not afraid I can't write, I'm afraid I'm not good enough.
• I am afraid of heights. I'm not afraid of ghosts, robbers, or physical injury, I am afraid of high places. It's a weird and irrational thing, actually. I'm more afraid I'd be tempted to jump off than I'm afraid of falling and having people mop my remains off the ground floor.
• I'd rather get a kick in the shins than get a toothache.
• I can will people into non-existence - for me, that's better than showing passive-aggressiveness.
• My know-it-all attitude has gotten me into pretty embarrassing situations. There was this one time with roomie Jen: I insisted that Puerto Galera was in Palawan. Imagine my utter mortification when I googled it. And that time when Lei and I got lost in Ongpin. (Yes, Mabie, I can be a geotard too.)
  
• When I was a kid, I wore tights and butterfly wings made of stockings and "flew" around the stage for a school production... Wait, that wasn't me. That was my brother.

evil food!

Seven Corners (a.k.a. Food Paradise) pics!

gutom....