notes from bulacandia

• it's fun when your relatives bribe you with food (because they see you only twice a year). faves are a must: ginataang alimasag, sinampalukang manok, ginataang tilapia, beef consome, etc etc.
• i like babysitting. but! certain conditions apply: the baby can't talk yet (instead points at the direction he wants to go and says, DUN!), baby should have 4 teeth or less, baby is cute, baby likes classical music (dances and sleeps to Rondeau, Fantasia, Minuet, Serenade, Sonata in A Minor, and Vivaldi's The Four Seasons - Spring. imagine classical and kids' songs in one playlist, hit shuffle), and baby likes coffee. somehow it sounds like stuff i would want in a boyfriend (except the number of teeth part), but i digress.
• when battling mosquitos the size of small birds, it's best to stay under the blankets even if it's scalding hot.
• when dealing with "may boyfriend ka na ba?" questions, laugh out loud. maniacally works best if you don't want any follow up questions. this also works for "nagkabati na ba nanay at tatay mo?"
• it's fun when cousins follow your advise and quit being emo... to be a rockstar! (rock on! \m/)
• it's fun to ride a bus for X number of hours to somewhere far far away. i think it's a "safe escape."

beautiful

i've been staring at the blasted thing for way too long and it was giving me one heck of a headache. i sat down beside it, lighted a cigarette and tried to think. it certainly had an effect on me, and i can deny the fact even though i can feel its tentancles gripping my neck ever so tightly. the mean bastard, its grasp tight enough for me to be unable to ignore it, and loose enough to not kill me.

they tell me its my imagination. they see it as something beautiful, ethereal and harmless. "how can something harmless try to kill you?" they reasoned and i have since given up trying to convince them otherwise. What's there to say anyway? and i don't think i'd want to wear a straitjacket anytime soon.

i remember that moment of reprieve. i had locked myself in my room and refused to come near it, refused its mere existence. i was happy then, of course. numb, but happy. after a while, i had to get out of my room, for fear of losing my mind and finally convincing myself that it might not be as evil as i first thought it was. it is a beautiful thing and i admit that i was drawn to its beauty.

now, here i am, once again staring at this thing. and i wondered when it started to look so strange. it is still a thing of wonder, but i had to ask another person if this was indeed it. apparently it was. it has warped into something ugly and something i don't recognize. i still has an effect on me, but one that is different from before when it was still beautiful.

i lit another cigarette and wondered. was it always this disgusting? is this its true form? if so, until when can it manage to keep up this deception?

blah

madami akong naiisip isulat ngayon pero wala. i think i'm running on empty and the engine in my brain's dry gagging and churning up nothing but nothing. all i get are fragments of ideas that i can't seem to put down to paper and it gets fucking frustrating.

and i swear, the jellyfish had nothing to do with this. maybe my muse went on strike because i stayed too long in the blasted hellhole.

oh the wonders of unemployment and emo-ness. nakakabwiset yung perpetual blah state. blah lang talaga.